23 January 2010

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

When you were young, you were the king of carrot flowers ... No idea why this album is the one to listen to right now. But there it is.

I am flying to Saint Louis on Tuesday to be with my family. The impetus is my grandmother's illness, dying, hospital stay, stage four cancer in July, remission in December, five units of blood in the hospital in December, three units of blood and two of platelets now, in a reverse isolation room, with an order for "discharge with placement" which means assisted living or custodial or something. Not that she's at all ready for discharge yet.

She's 72? 73? Her mother lived to 98.

This woman ... I told my dad this summer that she is the most evil person I know, and I am sticking by it. Loads of abuse, alcoholism, irresponsibility, denial, crazymaking, paranoia, and, to top it off, she really hates people. She was close to one of her cousins for decades and broke off their friendship because her cousin talked about her grandson a lot, and it annoyed my grandmother. Also the most bizarre person I know.

So, sadness, well. Let's not address that. I've written poems and essays about this woman because she is that kind of negative muse, you know?

But I want to be with my family, with my mom, and right now I can be. So I will be.

Of course, I'm just settling into Seattle, into my apartment with the working heater and bathroom light, into baking bread at home, cooking the best pizza I've ever made (whole-wheat crust with an overnight rise, parsley pesto for sauce, whole-milk mozzarella shredded on top), being with Noah. Waltz lessons. Ice cream at Molly Moon's afterward.

I'll come back, though. Sometime. Maybe in a week or two. I didn't buy a return ticket.


Merrylegs said...

My friend (a shrink)says we need to lower our expectations of people......sadly....

And..the old saying..U can pick your friends...but not your relatives.

When she's gone, you may mourn for the grandmother you wish she could have been.

But U r doing right, by going to SL.

Lassie said...

aw... cbc... sorry about your grandmother, and hope your family is doing okay. carrot flowers, carrot flowers, carrot flowers.